Musings of the Damned
by artemis lecter
Summary: Edward thinks after he and Bella talk during New Moon. Angsty. Edward POV.


Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Stephanie Meyer owns New Moon. Lucky girl.

A/N: Told from Edward's POV. Takes place after New Moon.

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I walked trough the dark trees to get back home, as I had done every night after Bella had fallen asleep since I had gotten back to Forks. My thoughts were confused, as usual these days. I was used to it. Things hadn't made sense for quite a while now, ever since I had met Bella. I had thought I had everything figured out, that I knew everything. I look back now and realize how arrogant I was; a hundred years of seeing the world, listening to other's thoughts, had made me confident of myself. But when I met Bella, everything changed-- I still wasn't used to asking her a question and actually having to wait to hear the answer. It drove me crazy, especially when I knew instinctively that she was hiding something from me. And Bella isn't an easy person to read.

A week had passed since my little trip to Volterra, possibly the most terrifying day of my existence. The knowledge of what could have happened to Bella horrified me, and if I could have slept I was sure I would have had nightmares about it for years. I had realized-- after enduring the never-ceasing agony at the thought of Bella dead, her cold corpse being put into the ground-- that she was alive, and that she had come to find me. She still cared about me enough to do that. And then, after a split second of glee, I turned to panic, knowing what may lay ahead. I was very fortunate that Alice had been there to save Bella, or she could have been killed.

As if that hadn't been enough, I then had to endure the plane and car rides back to Forks. I had no idea what I could possibly say to Bella. I only knew I wasn't strong enough to leave her again. Truth be told, I was hardly strong enough to leave her the first time, and afterward I had been a wreck. I prayed that Bella would have me, would forgive me for what I had done to her. Although Bella hid it well, I knew by reading Alice's thoughts on the plane that Bella hadn't been doing very well. Alice had been worried about Bella, and when she caught me reading her thoughts she mentally told me off for leaving Forks in the first place. It tore me apart inside to know that I had been the cause of Bella's pain. In my defense, I thought I had been doing the right thing by leaving her. But in my attempt o save her, I had destroyed her. I really was a monster.

I knew that I should be cautious around Bella after what had happened. But I couldn't help touching her and attempting to comfort her. She had been cautious too, hesitant to be near me. I had left her to give her peace, to help her move on with her life instead of dwelling on me when I would probably get her killed. Even so, I felt it would kill me if she rejected me. I was being wholly selfish; I should be glad if she had moved on. But those months without her had been total agony. I had never imagined that love could be so intense.

The argument with Charlie bothered me quite a bit; he had been absolutely right. There was nothing I could do to fix my mistakes-- and I had made many of them. Scarier still was when Bella woke up, when I would have to face my fears. It had been tremendously difficult, almost as excruciaiting as being apart from her. Because I would have to face exactly what I did to her. She was still very careful, afraid to let herself feel or remember. Although I was normally unable to read her, I knew that much. Bella refused to let herself believe that I loved her; I guessed my lie had worked better than I had hoped. My heart broke into a million pieces when she accused me of lying to her about caring for her, and also made me a bit angry. She honestly believed I didn't want to be with her. I still didn't think she fully understood that it was impossible for me to be without her. For some strange reason, Bella seemed to be under the impression that_ she_ wasn't enough for _me._ How could she not be, as sweet and caring and brave as she was? If nothing else, I wasn't good enough for her. I didn't deserve someone so wonderful.

My sadness went away when she assured me that she loved me still, that that hadn't changed. I couldn't help kissing her almost ferociously, while still being careful not to crush her incredibly delicate bones. However, I felt guilt stab at my gut when she asked me not to promise her anything. She brought up the incident with Jasper a few months ago-- those months felt like years. I finally broke down and admitted that I wasn't strong enough to leave her again. I hadn't even really been strong enough to leave the first time; I had practically ceased to exist when I had left Forks.

The guilt came surging back when she started to cry at the realization that I would never turn her into a vampire, not if I could help it. What kind of life would that be for her? She would hate it if she became some sort of a monster. Bella clearly didn't understand what she was asking for. I wouldn't be the one to damn her for eternity-- several decades of endangering her life, should she decide to stick around that long, would be bad enough. When she announced that she was "putting her mortality to a vote", I was obviously upset, although I realized that arguing would do me no good; she was just as stubborn as always.

As soon as I arrived at my house with Bella, I could tell that Carlisle knew something was going on. By the time Bella had given her little speech, I was certain of his vote. My pointing out that the Volturi probably wouldn't come after Bella did almost nothing, except get Jasper and Emmett riled up for a fight. The only person who didn't want Bella to become a vampire was Rosalie, although that didn't matter much; when it all came down to it, Carlisle's vote would mean the most, regardless of anyone else's views on the subject. Even mine. Still, even though I expected it, I was furious with his decision. I could hardly control myself. I was completely enraged when Bella asked Alice to turn her then. Although I was somewhat calmed by the thought of Bella waiting until graduation to be turned, I rushed her out of the house quickly before anything else terrible could happen.

Afterward, I began thinking. I could perhaps get Bella to change her mind about becoming a vampire. Unfortunately, she saw right through my plan, noticing that if she agreed to an extended time I would come up with a way to keep her as a human-- although I saw no way that that would happen. She was too damn determined. Why she would be so anxious to destroy her life was beyond me.

I was saddened again when she got into that argument with her father; poor Charlie. He'd never wanted anything but his daughter's safety and well-being, and he saw me as a threat to both. Bella and Charlie had gotten along very well since Bella had moved to Forks, and I knew that she would never let anything hurt him, and vice-versa. I was surprised when Bella said that she would be willing to come live with my family. Charlie really would have a coronary if he knew exactly what we were. As it was, I wasn't entirely sure what we would do if Bella were to actually become a vampire. Charlie would want to see her at some point, wouldn't he? And Bella would look exactly the same. The whole thing was doomed.

The biggest surprise of the night was when she informed me that I didn't really believe that I was headed for eternal damnation. I began to get angry; who was she to tell me this? She cut me off when I had opened my mouth to argue, telling me about my reaction to seeing her in Volterra. It amazed me that she had picked up on this. What amazed me even more was that she was right.

So a week later, I was still brooding on these thoughts. I felt lost and confused; what if by staying here, I was killing Bella? And to top it all off, I still didn't think I could leave her. So I was stuck with my decision-- I would have to figure out a way to keep Bella safe, as always. At least I was comforted with the knowledge that I would never have to feel that pain and emptiness again. All the same-- I was sure I was damned for the rest of my existence. Did I want to do the same thing to Bella? Funny how as confused as I was when I was away from Bella, I was still just as lost.

A/N: There you have it, folks: two thousand words of total melodrama. Ah, well. Review, please!


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